TAMPA, FLORIDA – In what might be the most Florida headline ever written, a man has made international headlines after revealing that he has trained a squad of squirrels to act as his personal security team. Not only that, but he claims they’ve already thwarted three robberies, chewed through two pairs of pants, and scared off a Jehovah’s Witness.

The man, 38-year-old Craig “Nutty” Simmons, lives alone in a modest house at the edge of a public park. Well, not quite alone—he shares his home with six Eastern gray squirrels he calls the “Nut Force Six.”

“People say I’m crazy,” Craig says while sipping Gatorade from a hollowed-out acorn-shaped mug, “but I say, who else has a squirrel alarm system that runs on peanuts and rage?”

🐿️ Meet the Nut Force Six

Each squirrel has a name, personality, and special role:

• Peanut: The alpha. Wears a tiny red bandana. Expert in reconnaissance.
• Chompy: Has an overbite. Specializes in chewing through anything.
• Dusty: Camouflage master. Can disappear in sand and leaves.
• Zoom-Zoom: Fastest of the team. Has ADHD. Gets distracted easily.
• Karen: Screams loudly when threatened. Best at psychological warfare.
• Greg: No one knows what Greg does, but Craig insists he’s “vital.”

Craig claims to have trained the squirrels using a mix of positive reinforcement, peanut butter rewards, and what he calls “tactical Disney movie nights.”

“We watched Zootopia 37 times. That changed them,” he says solemnly.

💥 First Robbery Foiled: The Backyard BBQ Bandit

The first incident took place last July when a neighbor allegedly tried to “borrow” Craig’s barbecue grill without permission.

As the would-be thief attempted to carry the grill away, Peanut and Chompy leapt from a tree branch onto his head, causing him to stumble and run. According to Craig, the man dropped the grill and was later seen scratching wildly at his scalp.

“They went full Navy S.E.A.L.,” Craig says proudly. “Squirrel Engagement and Assault Legion.”

The Tampa Police Department confirmed the event but classified it as “a minor misunderstanding involving aggressive rodents.”

🕶️ Craig’s Security Setup

Craig’s front porch features:

• A “Beware of Squirrels” sign made from license plates.
• Motion-sensor-triggered peanut dispensers to keep the team energized.
• Tiny zip lines strung between trees for rapid squirrel deployment.
• A GoPro helmet mounted on Dusty for “recon footage.”

He also uses walkie-talkies to “communicate,” though it’s unclear if the squirrels understand anything besides “snack.”

“They respond to my whistle code,” he explains. “One chirp means assemble. Two chirps means DEFCON 3.”

Second Robbery: The Amazon Package Incident

Craig’s Ring camera footage, which he proudly showed reporters, shows a man approaching his porch and attempting to steal a package.

What the footage doesn’t show—but what Craig describes in vivid detail—is the ambush that followed.

“Dusty came from the side bush. Karen shrieked from above. The dude screamed like a toddler in a haunted house and fled!”

The man later returned the package anonymously with a note: “What the hell, man?! They BIT me.”

The package, Craig reveals, contained a squirrel-sized tactical vest he’d ordered for Peanut.

😳 The “Third Robbery” — A Slight Misunderstanding

Not all missions go smoothly.

In the third reported “incident,” Craig mistakenly identified a girl scout trying to sell cookies as a threat.

Before he could react, Zoom-Zoom and Greg had already launched from the porch.

“She dropped the Thin Mints and ran. I felt bad, but the squirrels were hyped. Greg hasn’t moved that fast in weeks.”

Craig later bought 12 boxes to “make amends” and now claims the Nut Force Six have a “choco-mint addiction problem.”

📈 Viral Sensation: “Real-Life Squirrel Army”

Craig’s story exploded after he posted a TikTok showing Chompy chewing through a cardboard cutout of Elon Musk labeled “threat.” The video got 6.8 million views and launched a wave of fan art and memes.

Popular hashtags:

• #NutForceSix
• #SquirrelSquadGoals
• #RodentRangers
• #NuttyProtectionPlan

Even Kevin Hart reposted the video with the caption: “If this ain’t peak Florida, I don’t know what is.”

🧠 Experts Weigh In: Is This Even Possible?

We asked animal behaviorist Dr. Megan Holloway what she thought of Craig’s claims.

“Squirrels are highly intelligent, trainable to an extent, but forming a coordinated security unit? That’s… ambitious,” she said.

Still, she admitted that under certain conditions and with extensive bonding, “it’s plausible the squirrels have associated certain behaviors with rewards. Or they’re just chaos gremlins reacting randomly. Honestly, I support it either way.”

🐿️ Craig’s Long-Term Plan

Inspired by his “success,” Craig now has big dreams:

• Start a squirrel protection service called “NutSec.”
• Launch a squirrel-themed energy drink called “Tailspin.”
• Run for local office under the “Rodent Rights Party.”

“People laughed at Batman. They laughed at Iron Man. I’m just Nut Man, doing my duty,” he says with a totally straight face.

His next mission? Train pigeons for air support.

💬 Internet Reactions

Reddit’s r/FloridaMan has embraced Craig as a folk hero.

Top comments:

• “This man just invented squirrel-powered home defense. America, baby.”
• “Honestly safer than ADT. Cheaper too.”
• “I’d rather fight one bear than six tactical squirrels.”

Twitter users are already photoshopping Craig onto Marvel posters. One viral image shows him in tactical gear, surrounded by his squirrels, with the tagline:
“Justice Has Nuts.”

🏁 Final Thoughts

In a world plagued by uncertainty, TikTok drama, and far too many reboots, maybe what we all need is a man brave enough to put his trust in nature’s tiniest weirdos—and hand them some peanuts and a mission.

Whether Craig Simmons is a genius, a lunatic, or just very bored, one thing’s for sure:
The Nut Force Six are real, and they’re watching.

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Stick around YapTalk.top, where the news is nuts and the readers are even nuttier. 🐿️